Exposure

03/27/25 - Public Disclosure

I suppose it’s high time I jump up on my soap box and exclaim to you how saintly I am for embarking on this journey.

I almost puked writing that. It’s fine, you’ll get adjusted to my humor and overall perspective on things eventually. For now, I’m here to write to you about how I’ve felt in light of the latest episode coming out. Back in February, I flew out to Kalispell, Montana, to do the Cleared Hot podcast. It didn’t come out until a couple of weeks ago, possibly last week.

We’ll pause there.

I feel totally undeserving of this pursuit. Honestly, I never thought I would be in this position, and it has been incredibly surreal. I am absolutely blessed to be here. See, when I say that, I’m not entirely sure how you interpret it. Part of me fears it is received as overly cliche or a bit dramatic. But for me, thinking back to the sheer volume of drunk driving, days spent with constant borderline alcohol poisoning, and suicidal ideation; each day is a blessing. I know the pits I came from, and I’m versed in climbing in and out of them. Hell, I wrote a whole book about it. But that doesn’t uniquely qualify me to speak to your experience. It doesn’t make me an expert. I’m the furthest thing from perfect, I will never claim to be a saint, and for most of my life I was an absolute wrecking ball to the people around me.

Just so we’re not understood, I’m not writing to you from some weird place of moral authority. I spent all of mine and then some getting here.

Becoming the monster has its price. You have to convince everyone you love that you are no longer a monster, and that’s perfectly justified. That’s why sobriety can be difficult because you have a hard time squaring who you have been as a drunk. The number of times I walked to get booze because it meant I would have to spend some money on gas is embarrassing. When I was living in Bay City, I was one of those shifty characters walking around the apartment parking lot looking for change. I’d return my bottles and try to find any I could outside. I was personally devastated when Milwaukee Best upped the price of their 25oz tallboy from like $1.19 to $1.69 or something like that.

I had a whole system down and they just had to ruin it.

REMINDER: You’re getting me unfiltered here. I sat down to write about how I’m feeling about all this exposure and look where we’ve meandered. I’ll get better. I promise. I think this is just more authentic.

Anyways, I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’m desperately trying to not let this exposure get to my head. It’s not even that much compared to other authors and whatnot, so, is my entire concern regarding it misplaced?

These are questions I’m asking myself and that I occasionally ask some of my mentors. The fact of the situation is, between never thinking I’d be on this path and the fact that I’ve never done this before, I’m learning on the move. So, when I went out to Montana it was an absolute dream.

I got to sit down with a dude I listen to when I’m doing dishes. I’ve listened to Andy Stumpf for years, and he seemed pretty down to Earth honestly. If you know me you can see how nervous I am in that conversation. I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to talk about. I was surprised at how casual it all was. It was literally just a conversation.

A conversation I had to actively not fangirl out about.

From there, I went into this odd level of suspense regarding when it would come out. I totally asked them for updates too many times, and I was trying to make sure I didn’t come across as anything other than grateful. I couldn’t believe it was all happening and I had done the wrong thing by telling people about it way too early. It ended up building up some pressure because I had some things lined up specifically dependent upon that episode coming out. A level of credence, shall we say. However, that’s nobody’s fault but my own, and I cannot express how grateful I am to Andy for having me on. The dude gave me my first ever podcast appearance, and by doing so, he signal boosted the Mission.

Which leads us to me going out to California. I believe I wrote about some of that already, but Los Angeles was wild. I could not believe how bad the homeless situation is out there. Beautiful, sure, but it’s not a place I could ever see myself living. But you know me, I go and get lost up in the North woods of Michigan and get excited about being cold and miserable. So, I guess that one checks out.

Anyways, going to the studio and meeting Mark was insane. I also got a Dodge Charger as my rental car for free. It was pretty cool, thanks Expedia.

That is the only win Expedia has ever given me. Never even got to take it above 45 mph. Such a waste.

Anyways, as with the leadup to meeting Andy in person, I still carried a grain of doubt over it being real. Like, surely there’s no way I’m texting this guy let alone flying out to Los Angeles, right? That’s maddening.

I pulled up to the spot, sent him a text that I had arrived, and then got out of my car.

About a minute after standing in the parking lot, a door opens, and no shit; it’s Mark Laita.

That dude is tall.

To be completely honest, I’ve consumed much less content from Mark Laita than I have from Andy Stumpf. It was still super cool to meet him but that was my actual thought. I forgot how tall that dude is, completely threw me off when I went to shake his hand.

He welcomed me in, we talked briefly about this being my 2nd ever time in front of a camera with this big of a following, he gave me some encouragement, and then I sat down for the interview. My overall impression of Mark is good. He was polite, nice, and it didn’t take too much for me to settle in once I started talking. I thought about how many views it could potentially get. There are some potential fears there with my situation and with my family. I’m not exactly talking about some experience in civil service where it isn’t so painful to my family members.

I’m talking about an issue that is profoundly disgusting. Detailing disgusting acts, that still bother me to some measure. I’m talking about how I went through something my parent’s might feel they missed and therefore couldn’t help or prevent. This trauma is new to everyone but me, my wife, and the other boy. That pain is new, and not only is it new, but I’ve also gone and broadcast it to the world for all to see.

Am I selfish in this pursuit?

Am I mission focused?

It isn’t easy to talk about. I’m not going to sit here while I’m enjoying the benefits of being able to go and do this. I feel as though I do not have the agency to speak of these behind-the-scenes stresses or thought processes because my dreams are coming true. I’m an author, I’m doing podcasts, I’m expanding my portfolio as a writer, and maybe things will change.

If I may, the pain associated with sharing my story is definitely felt, and unfortunately, it isn’t just me who feels it. It’s a weird dichotomy with a bunch of nuances. I’m still trying to sort it out.

But overall, this has been a huge blessing. I’m super stoked to have been on Cleared Hot and Soft White underbelly. It’s a huge blessing. I’ve got a feature coming out in Bold Journey Magazine, and things are starting to line up. The Mission is good, we’re making impact, and it is totally worth it. The comments on the SWU video are overwhelmingly positive.

I have an entry about the negative ones not because they bother me, but because it is a good case point for what male CSA survivors are up against. It’s pretty wild to see that data on display.

I think I accomplished something with this writing, and I hope you got something from it. That’s where my mind is at on 03/25/25 at 0204.

Can’t wait to keep raising awareness. I’ve found my purpose.

-Nick