The Death of Ego
The difference between ego and confidence, is purpose.
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I know that I am exceptional.
I don’t need you to tell me.
My Achievements: A Snapshot
I’m in the top 0.05% of undergrads for public exposure. I’ve accomplished the following:
• Published a book and research as an undergrad—rare feats since only 1% of people ever complete a manuscript.
• Landed guest spots on platforms like Soft White Underbelly and Cleared Hot, reaching massive audiences. More in the works ;)
• Networked with PhDs, capturing their academic interest, and earned interest for international research collaborations.
• Built connections with major issue-facing organizations and even have entrepreneurship professionals asking me for networking advice.
• I bore my soul for the world to see. When’s the last time you talked about the worst aspects of your life (trauma, substance abuse, being a reformed monster) in front of thousands?
Most people could only dream of doing what I do. I used to dream about it, and then I stepped up.
I’m talking to producers and people with big microphones, the likes of which could be life changing. Most folks don’t even get a message through to these people.
My Struggles Shape Me
Most alcoholics don’t stay sober—I’m sober and crushing it. Most people who experience CSA in childhood go on to develop mental illnesses and disabilities that derail academic and professional pursuits. I’ve been there. They didn’t catch my slow reading (likely undiagnosed ADHD or the PTSD/Anxiety I developed after the trauma) until I was a senior in high school. But I’m still here, fighting.
Look at what I’ve done while grappling with substance abuse, mental illness, and a reading disability of some sort.
Using these things as an excuse only hinders your propensity for growth.
The Imposter Syndrome Hits Hard
And you know what?
My opinion of me is thousands of miles in the opposite direction of the words “impressive” or “exceptional.”
To me, I’m just me, and I feel like I’m going insane. I thought I knew what imposter syndrome was before all this. Now I know it all too well.
Surely the mark of greatness exists only within the gray zone wedged between intelligence and insanity.
Some people worship the ground I walk on and call me “brave.”
My life could’ve been a lot worse. It was also the furthest thing from a cakewalk.
Did you know that there are millions just like me who struggle alone instead of publicly?
All of it could stop tomorrow, and honestly, I’ve come to terms with that.
Why I Do This: The Mission
Why?
These achievements mean something to me, I’m not sure what exactly that is yet, but these pursuits aren’t about ME.
It’s about:
• The emails I get from parents, seeking advice for how to move forward after discovering their child has been sexually abused.
• The other dudes who reach out to me about their own CSA.
• The kids I am actively working to help with the variety of nonprofits I’m partnered up with.
I’m heavily involved locally. We are working to protect Michigan families and kids.
It’s about de-stigmatizing the issue. It’s about destroying the stereotype that we male survivors will innately repeat the abuse. It’s about empowering other survivors regardless of gender, so they may push forward through recovery. It’s about the millions of boys and girls who will suffer because of someone’s warped proclivities.
The assumptions you make are the lies I hate.
Who I Am Behind the Scenes
I know I’m driven, empathetic to a fault, and I practice an extreme amount of ownership and humility in my life.
I became an alcoholic because of me, but don’t be the one to question the amount of grit required to recover from substance abuse.
My higher power blessed and cursed me with the gift of writing, speaking, and a mind that obsesses over exploring the innermost chasms of consciousness as we know it.
I’ve got lavish goals and a wealth of opportunity. Doors have opened to me that I thought would forever be closed. What you see in me on the screen, or in front of a crowd, is but a fraction of who I am behind the scenes.
People tell me I’m gifted, impressive, and brave. I tell them I’m not, and wrestle with the uncomfortable nature of balancing their opinion against my clay feet.
To me, I’m nothing but a reformed monster who wants people to love people. To them, I’m an up-and-coming academic, author, motivational speaker, and guest that can garner millions of views.
To me, I’m just me.
But don’t you dare be the one to insult my integrity, question my work ethic, or sneeze at my accomplishments.
Wrestling with Ego
It would be incredibly easy for me to list these accomplishments and the data behind them, and live a life as a pompous and self-righteous douchebag. It seems no matter how hard I try to openly discuss my battles with ego, I almost always appear, in my opinion, to be “humble bragging.”
I share these achievements not to boast but to show what’s possible when you fight for a cause bigger than yourself.
So, where exactly is the line?
• Is delving into the depths of humility vs. egoism innately an expression of ego?
• Am I in my own head too much?
• Is my passion for the work, and the self-minimization I conduct, leaving out opportunities to drive more advocacy?
• What if we went the opposite way and started networking with a high amount of ego? We probably wouldn’t be where we are right now.
I’ll agree to acknowledge my achievements, but only if you agree to not compliment me so much.
How to Advocate: What I’ve Learned
If you’ve been paying attention, I’m trying to teach you how to advocate for yourself. I’m trying to express how you can network like I do.
The purpose of these public pursuits isn’t self-absorption. It isn’t to pat myself on the back or garner your empathy. My purpose is clear.
The mission, despite how emotionally and mentally exhausting it all is, must continue. The only finish line I see is the day upon which we can actually say we’ve reduced the occurrence rate. I believe we can make a dent. I believe in the mission wholeheartedly. These doors keep opening for me, and I praise my higher power for keeping a set of keys handy.
But, perhaps the only true finish line in this pursuit, realistically, is death.
Take Action
You want to do what I do?
Start writing. Start emailing. Start messaging. You can establish a network of hard-charging advocates from nothing but time, effort, action, and language.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” is a line I never thought I’d truly live by; but all of this stems from some variation of it backed by drive, integrity, and humility. If you want to make change, then start using this phrase as a guiding principle.
What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you no? You going to let fear over hearing a two-letter word stop you from engaging?
How I Did It: Networking Examples
When I completed my submission to Soft White Underbelly, I focused on the mission. I wasn’t going on there for me. That’s a fact. I’m self-aware enough to disregard the opinions of people who don’t know me, which will further liberate you from the nerves related to this path of advocacy.
I know what I’m about.
• I emailed a PhD cold, shared my research, and followed up politely—that’s how we started collaborating.
• I emailed Andy Stumpf cold with a polite email detailing the data from my research and what my advocacy seeks to accomplish. He emailed me back with an invitation.
Just as with a job interview, you must uncap just the right amount of ego when you are networking. They don’t know you. Explain why they should. You’ve got to do it in a confident yet polite way, while packing in the mission, your achievements, and the data.
An ego slip in this environment can be lethal to the new connection you are trying to establish.
Taming Ego for the Mission
I know that none of this is truly for me, but that I may reap some form of benefit from it, be it financial or otherwise.
Can you achieve the self-awareness required to truly renovate your mind? Can you tame your ego as the wild beast it is, only allowing it to see the sun when you’re furthering the mission?
These people want:
• Confidence, not arrogance.
• Knowledge of the issue, not a memoir.
• Thought-provoking observations from a member of the male CSA cohort.
• Love, support, and acceptance.
I got here by emailing, messaging, writing, and spending an ungodly amount of time trying to craft the message. I still am, and I’ve got a long road of learning ahead of me so I can be a true force to be reckoned with in the advocacy space.
I’ve been put outside of my comfort zone for the entire world to see. It’s not comfortable to talk about being sexually abused, especially as a man, with the knowledge that millions could see it.
Millions have seen me openly and explicitly detail some of that trauma.
When you step out of the comfort zone, you step into the growth zone.
I’ll give you the guidance.
You must do the work.